No matter where you’re at in your business or your career, certain experiences are universal. From balancing ambition and your personal life to placing calculated bets that you hope will pay off, even the largest in their space will face these things time and again — which means learning how to navigate them is always valuable.
Brief, superficial, and positive is really a cornerstone of challenging personalities...and not taking it personally (and reminding yourself of this prior). Great way to anchor the approach.
Seems like the answer to this question will vary, significantly, depending on the person. Personally I'm fairly averse to most extroverts and find them difficult to deal with. I'm sure most extroverts would be surprised to read this. Best way to deal with people you perceive to be difficult is to focus on the transaction--the goal you want to achieve by interacting with the person.
Really appreciate that you honestly overlook some of the more challenging aspects, and focus on the goal at hand. People can often wade through quite a bit, and stay focused (and not pulled away by the more personal challenges) when they have that framework - appreciate this.
I actually really like how you separate internal vs external. That's a really smart framework to do what you need to do...and probably best used in situations when you know it isn't the long term place you're going to be, but somewhere where you want to do good work, and have things you need to get done.
My serious answer? Document everything and communicate expectations / followups in writing after an interaction. Even if they don't respond, that way you can always point to what your understanding of the situation was.
My less serious answer? During a testy conversation or interaction, imagine the same person doing something utterly mundane like brushing their teeth or figuring out what brand of jam to buy. It sounds odd but it sucks some of the negative emotions the interaction is generating out of your head, and keeps you grounded.
Good stuff, honestly. I like that you use writing and documentation to drive for clarity and alignment on expectations - it sets you up well, particularly with people who are challenging...and especially with those who are apt to not be focused themselves (that allow their emotions to overlay reason, so that it shifts things frequently).
And I like that you have a way of tempering your own reactions as challenging people interact. Often they *want* to push those buttons - and this really helps to prevent you from falling into a space of being reactive. Appreciate the serious and less serious answers here!
I try to remind myself of what I can control (preparation, composure, clarity in communication) versus what I do not control (the other person’s perceptions, responses, and willingness to collaborate). This helps me to not allow the external factors from controlling my internal state. In terms of the actual interaction, applying the Black Swan tools from Chris Voss can lead to vastly different results. I try to truly listen to the other party and stay curious as to what their underlying interests are. If you can bypass their fears a lot of times you can make progress. At the end of the day, you can only increase the probability of a positive exchange. It either works out or not, but you can learn something either way.
Understanding your own span of control is incredible grounding combined with truly understanding what their underlying interests are - it's great positioning. When I've talked with Andrew Brandt (not a client) about negotiations for the Green Bay Packers, he seems to use a similar strategy - and looks for a win/win opportunity. All of this really resonates. Great take Blake.
Keep the focus on that person's needs and how to best serve them. It is always a challenge to stay grounded when things become unreasonable, but it has been my experience that if you're asking good (usually open-ended, and NOT "why") questions about how you, or your team, can best meet or exceed expectations, people let up.
Not all people, but nearly all of them. It's hard to be an asshole when someone is genuinely trying to help you.
This is another interesting approach to diffusing unreasonable people - in your case, by redirecting their focus to engaging in the path ahead. Good use of attempting to pull them to your side of the table a bit here and seem on the same team.
As an extrovert, ;) I agree with Dave and MM’s advice. Documenting conversations and being very specific about expectations, commitments, and accountability is key, as is being sure that they feel “heard.” I try to listen to them and rephrase back to them what I think they’ve said. This seems to help in some cases. Bottom line, try to remain unbothered by them.
Remaining nonreactive or triggered yourself, is a really powerful position which can (in itself) make some bad actors escalate, but hopefully for the majority they'll meet the stronger energy in the room that is grounded.
Hi Annalise - I'm going to challenge you a bit here. I think it's easy to take on the burden of what you might bring to the table (although there is some truth to it), but just be cautious with this approach, because it can lead you to take on a bit *too much* when some of the challenges aren't yours to carry.
I've thought about this throughout the weekend and I so appreciate the challenge. I have found this step is easy as times (when the person is explicitly and observably difficult) I think it can be challenging though to look at what your part is when the dynamics are more subtle and/or they bring up strong emotions. In those moments it can feel incredibly challenging to think of them as a teacher.
I think how this all plays out for me is a series of steps in working more effectively or just working period with difficult people. If I clumsily map it to CBT it would go like this...
Situation: I am presented with a difficult person
Thoughts: I notice the the thoughts that come up around this person, "wow, they're making this super difficult." Or, "why are they so unreasonable?" or maybe more intense, "are they trying to threaten me!?!?!?"
Emotion: I notice my emotions, probably some fearfulness, frustration, defensiveness
***Pause***
If possible I would pause here --> Ask myself "what, if anything, is for me to own? "How can I grow through the interaction with this person" "What are the thoughts I am having? The feelings I am experiencing? Are these setting me up for the kind of interaction I want to have? How can I support myself in this interaction?
Behavior: Hopefully by taking that pause I can choose to deploy one of the many brilliant strategies that was referenced in this thread, keeping things goal oriented, speaking inarguably, minimizing interactions, etc.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this opportunity to think deeply about this.
Thanks for your engagement here and really putting some deep thought into this - I like that you've mapped this out, and I really like that you take the moment - that important moment - to decide what's is yours to own, and I would add to this...what is decidedly *not* yours to own. And take your strategies from there. Solid strategies that you can deploy with confidence and know that you've positioned yourself well.
Truly appreciate the time you took to really think this through - it speaks volumes on how much you consider others, and your own level of continued self-awareness. You work at it - and that is far more than most. Cheers!
A mature man once told me “Loose the battle, win the war”. That comment did resonate with me. He then ask if me "Do you know what means?". I thought to myself briefly and though I know what he means indirectly.
Communicate in the most precise way possible and do not share unnecessary pieces of information that can derail the conversation or interaction between both parties.
Dissociate from them as much as possible but don’t isolate.
Not sharing unnecessary information is great for not giving bad actors "fuel for the fire." I often go a bit further and say to not share anything but superficial and positive information if you're able to do that. No need to give ammunition for a later interaction.
For me, always applying empathy is key. You don't know why this person is difficult. You don't know what's going on in their personal life. You don't know what they could be going through or what's going on in their head. I remind myself that I'm only seeing the tip of the iceberg when I see their difficult behavior at work.
I view navigating work with these difficult people often as a negotiation. As others have pointed out, establishing common ground and common goals is important. Put as many issues on the table as possible - including "storytelling issues," things that are easy for you to give that mean a lot to them. it establishes trust. I highly recommend readying Negotiate Without Fear by Victoria Medvec; while it is a book about negotiating, it's made dealing with difficult people and situations easier for me!
It's great that you give them a bit of compassion, just be careful that the compassion doesn't excuse or keep you too close to someone who isn't a good actor - and isn't invested in remedying their own impact. The common goals strategy you mention is important - and can be approached in a variety of ways. Appreciate that.
Love the shared or "common ground" anchor. It can sometimes pull bad actors or difficult people away from some of the most toxic traits into a place that is at least able to be navigated more effectively.
There's a lot to be said for minimization, if you can do it. The impact on your headspace of repeatedly having to deal with difficulty, is a lot of pulled energy.
First I try to check with myself that I am not being the difficult person - it happens! In interacting with difficult people I use Non Violent Communications template/approach - best training I ever did. I find this is really helpful to prevent things from escalating and becoming unreasonable. If the difficult person is my boss or team member different strategies will be needed.
It's fantastic to use any method that prevents escalation (which, as you know, isn't going to be useful)...and parsing out whether you're managing up vs managing down, is absolutely going to be different strategies - so great call out. Keeping people in a place where they can be productive in the interaction is so important.
All persons I’ve encountered and considered to be difficult are “emotionally immature” people - people who tend to flip out, throw temper tantrums etc. despite some of them being technically competent.
The way I have found to deal with them, via research on emotionally immature people and trial and error is that you have to (1) think what YOU want to achieve / get across before every interaction with them (2) get that message across and, most importantly, (3) stand your ground.
Emotionally immature people are adults who haven’t developed fully emotionally (for a variety of reasons). Similar to how a child will act to get his / her way, these difficult people do the same. It is important to think before every interaction what YOU need to happen, ensuring that it is clearly communicated to them and being firm in standing your ground on that message. The last point is critical because these difficult people tend to make people waiver or acquiesce by behaving in the way that they do. And the interaction is a waste with nothing getting done and the communicator feeling a sense of defeat.
Looking at this from a standpoint of emotional immaturity is brilliant, and that you are willing to position yourself in a way that still gets things done - is so important. They'll derail things, and you've placed a good way of centering your objectives. Thank you for sharing this - it's a solid approach for many challenging people.
I keep all my interactions with difficult people surface level and positive. I do my best to not take it personal.
Brief, superficial, and positive is really a cornerstone of challenging personalities...and not taking it personally (and reminding yourself of this prior). Great way to anchor the approach.
Seems like the answer to this question will vary, significantly, depending on the person. Personally I'm fairly averse to most extroverts and find them difficult to deal with. I'm sure most extroverts would be surprised to read this. Best way to deal with people you perceive to be difficult is to focus on the transaction--the goal you want to achieve by interacting with the person.
Really appreciate that you honestly overlook some of the more challenging aspects, and focus on the goal at hand. People can often wade through quite a bit, and stay focused (and not pulled away by the more personal challenges) when they have that framework - appreciate this.
What worked for me was when I stopped caring what this person said or thought and just went through the motions as a professional.
Outwardly I’d communicate like a politician, saying what I needed to say.
Inside it was a joke to me, as if I was pacifying a child.
Good or bad, this method gave me the headspace to ignore the noise and focus on what I care about.
I actually really like how you separate internal vs external. That's a really smart framework to do what you need to do...and probably best used in situations when you know it isn't the long term place you're going to be, but somewhere where you want to do good work, and have things you need to get done.
It depends what you call long term…let’s just say its a stepping stone and not THE plan
My serious answer? Document everything and communicate expectations / followups in writing after an interaction. Even if they don't respond, that way you can always point to what your understanding of the situation was.
My less serious answer? During a testy conversation or interaction, imagine the same person doing something utterly mundane like brushing their teeth or figuring out what brand of jam to buy. It sounds odd but it sucks some of the negative emotions the interaction is generating out of your head, and keeps you grounded.
Good stuff, honestly. I like that you use writing and documentation to drive for clarity and alignment on expectations - it sets you up well, particularly with people who are challenging...and especially with those who are apt to not be focused themselves (that allow their emotions to overlay reason, so that it shifts things frequently).
And I like that you have a way of tempering your own reactions as challenging people interact. Often they *want* to push those buttons - and this really helps to prevent you from falling into a space of being reactive. Appreciate the serious and less serious answers here!
Your serious answer aligned with Peter Boghossian, author of How to Have Impossible Conversations.
I try to remind myself of what I can control (preparation, composure, clarity in communication) versus what I do not control (the other person’s perceptions, responses, and willingness to collaborate). This helps me to not allow the external factors from controlling my internal state. In terms of the actual interaction, applying the Black Swan tools from Chris Voss can lead to vastly different results. I try to truly listen to the other party and stay curious as to what their underlying interests are. If you can bypass their fears a lot of times you can make progress. At the end of the day, you can only increase the probability of a positive exchange. It either works out or not, but you can learn something either way.
Understanding your own span of control is incredible grounding combined with truly understanding what their underlying interests are - it's great positioning. When I've talked with Andrew Brandt (not a client) about negotiations for the Green Bay Packers, he seems to use a similar strategy - and looks for a win/win opportunity. All of this really resonates. Great take Blake.
Keep the focus on that person's needs and how to best serve them. It is always a challenge to stay grounded when things become unreasonable, but it has been my experience that if you're asking good (usually open-ended, and NOT "why") questions about how you, or your team, can best meet or exceed expectations, people let up.
Not all people, but nearly all of them. It's hard to be an asshole when someone is genuinely trying to help you.
This is another interesting approach to diffusing unreasonable people - in your case, by redirecting their focus to engaging in the path ahead. Good use of attempting to pull them to your side of the table a bit here and seem on the same team.
My experience:
Depending on what kind of “difficult,” an attitude of service can be an asset or a liability.
As an extrovert, ;) I agree with Dave and MM’s advice. Documenting conversations and being very specific about expectations, commitments, and accountability is key, as is being sure that they feel “heard.” I try to listen to them and rephrase back to them what I think they’ve said. This seems to help in some cases. Bottom line, try to remain unbothered by them.
Remaining nonreactive or triggered yourself, is a really powerful position which can (in itself) make some bad actors escalate, but hopefully for the majority they'll meet the stronger energy in the room that is grounded.
Where I have created most ease with difficult personalities is recognizing the following...
1) odds are I am someone out there’s difficult person to deal with -> me having more grace and patience for our interactions
2) how is this person a teacher to me, what can I lay out the welcome mat for them in my life and see what they can be teaching me
Challenging but both have brought more ease.
Love this conversation!
Hi Annalise - I'm going to challenge you a bit here. I think it's easy to take on the burden of what you might bring to the table (although there is some truth to it), but just be cautious with this approach, because it can lead you to take on a bit *too much* when some of the challenges aren't yours to carry.
Hi Dr. Gurner,
I've thought about this throughout the weekend and I so appreciate the challenge. I have found this step is easy as times (when the person is explicitly and observably difficult) I think it can be challenging though to look at what your part is when the dynamics are more subtle and/or they bring up strong emotions. In those moments it can feel incredibly challenging to think of them as a teacher.
I think how this all plays out for me is a series of steps in working more effectively or just working period with difficult people. If I clumsily map it to CBT it would go like this...
Situation: I am presented with a difficult person
Thoughts: I notice the the thoughts that come up around this person, "wow, they're making this super difficult." Or, "why are they so unreasonable?" or maybe more intense, "are they trying to threaten me!?!?!?"
Emotion: I notice my emotions, probably some fearfulness, frustration, defensiveness
***Pause***
If possible I would pause here --> Ask myself "what, if anything, is for me to own? "How can I grow through the interaction with this person" "What are the thoughts I am having? The feelings I am experiencing? Are these setting me up for the kind of interaction I want to have? How can I support myself in this interaction?
Behavior: Hopefully by taking that pause I can choose to deploy one of the many brilliant strategies that was referenced in this thread, keeping things goal oriented, speaking inarguably, minimizing interactions, etc.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this opportunity to think deeply about this.
Thanks for your engagement here and really putting some deep thought into this - I like that you've mapped this out, and I really like that you take the moment - that important moment - to decide what's is yours to own, and I would add to this...what is decidedly *not* yours to own. And take your strategies from there. Solid strategies that you can deploy with confidence and know that you've positioned yourself well.
Truly appreciate the time you took to really think this through - it speaks volumes on how much you consider others, and your own level of continued self-awareness. You work at it - and that is far more than most. Cheers!
A mature man once told me “Loose the battle, win the war”. That comment did resonate with me. He then ask if me "Do you know what means?". I thought to myself briefly and though I know what he means indirectly.
Sometimes that's definitely worth it to walk away and be okay with losing a few to get to where you want to go. That's good advice.
Communicate in the most precise way possible and do not share unnecessary pieces of information that can derail the conversation or interaction between both parties.
Dissociate from them as much as possible but don’t isolate.
Not sharing unnecessary information is great for not giving bad actors "fuel for the fire." I often go a bit further and say to not share anything but superficial and positive information if you're able to do that. No need to give ammunition for a later interaction.
For me, always applying empathy is key. You don't know why this person is difficult. You don't know what's going on in their personal life. You don't know what they could be going through or what's going on in their head. I remind myself that I'm only seeing the tip of the iceberg when I see their difficult behavior at work.
I view navigating work with these difficult people often as a negotiation. As others have pointed out, establishing common ground and common goals is important. Put as many issues on the table as possible - including "storytelling issues," things that are easy for you to give that mean a lot to them. it establishes trust. I highly recommend readying Negotiate Without Fear by Victoria Medvec; while it is a book about negotiating, it's made dealing with difficult people and situations easier for me!
It's great that you give them a bit of compassion, just be careful that the compassion doesn't excuse or keep you too close to someone who isn't a good actor - and isn't invested in remedying their own impact. The common goals strategy you mention is important - and can be approached in a variety of ways. Appreciate that.
I try to find a shared goal or some common ground to anchor on but do not go deep. I keep things goal and task oriented.
Love the shared or "common ground" anchor. It can sometimes pull bad actors or difficult people away from some of the most toxic traits into a place that is at least able to be navigated more effectively.
Professionally I keep it cordial no matter what. In my personal life I try to minimize my exposure.
There's a lot to be said for minimization, if you can do it. The impact on your headspace of repeatedly having to deal with difficulty, is a lot of pulled energy.
Right. There’s a humility factor — how much bandwidth do I have? I got goals and fish to fry.
👏 Go Julie!
First I try to check with myself that I am not being the difficult person - it happens! In interacting with difficult people I use Non Violent Communications template/approach - best training I ever did. I find this is really helpful to prevent things from escalating and becoming unreasonable. If the difficult person is my boss or team member different strategies will be needed.
It's fantastic to use any method that prevents escalation (which, as you know, isn't going to be useful)...and parsing out whether you're managing up vs managing down, is absolutely going to be different strategies - so great call out. Keeping people in a place where they can be productive in the interaction is so important.
All persons I’ve encountered and considered to be difficult are “emotionally immature” people - people who tend to flip out, throw temper tantrums etc. despite some of them being technically competent.
The way I have found to deal with them, via research on emotionally immature people and trial and error is that you have to (1) think what YOU want to achieve / get across before every interaction with them (2) get that message across and, most importantly, (3) stand your ground.
Emotionally immature people are adults who haven’t developed fully emotionally (for a variety of reasons). Similar to how a child will act to get his / her way, these difficult people do the same. It is important to think before every interaction what YOU need to happen, ensuring that it is clearly communicated to them and being firm in standing your ground on that message. The last point is critical because these difficult people tend to make people waiver or acquiesce by behaving in the way that they do. And the interaction is a waste with nothing getting done and the communicator feeling a sense of defeat.
This has worked for me.
Looking at this from a standpoint of emotional immaturity is brilliant, and that you are willing to position yourself in a way that still gets things done - is so important. They'll derail things, and you've placed a good way of centering your objectives. Thank you for sharing this - it's a solid approach for many challenging people.